Typically I stick to the clubbing of seals: it's easy and I can do it while drinking. But since I have recently learned of the law forbidding the sale of "oosiks" I needed another, equally docile creature to beat up on. Naturally preferring the cold I chose professional hockey; especially Gary Bettman and that little show he runs called the NHL.
First, to explain the title, I initially intended to run the NHL only, but if you continue reading, you will see that one of my suggestions would be so blasphemous as the head of the NHL that I would likely be fired, shot in the head and then rehired so they could fire and shoot me once more. Thus, I will instead be a little more ambitious and take a look at professional hockey in North America to see if I can clean any of this nonsense up and once again make hockey more popular than figure skating - a daunting task to say the least.
Enough of this Versus crap
I don't get Versus, I've never watched Versus except for a few hockey games at a friend's house (who has Direct TV)… hell, it used to be the Outdoor Life Network. Recalling the last hockey game I attended, it was in fact indoors, making this partnership a strange one to say the least.
You know, the owners are happy because they are making money again since they installed a salary cap. But one has to wonder how many additional bones they could make if they had decent network coverage. Right now, the NFL rakes in billions, and is so far ahead of the curve that I can't even use them for comparison… they are off the charts.
But MLB and the NBA rake in about $700-$800 million in media deals each season. Not only are they better deals in terms of coverage, but they are pulling in about 1,000% of what the NHL currently makes in TV deals. How do owners not make more money with better television contracts? I really have no idea how this isn't obvious to Gary Bettman and his crew of owners, but first thing is first, get the NHL back on ESPN and get at least a game per weekend on FOX, ABC, or NBC.
It might help to at least pull in $100 million while you're at it.
Fire Bettman!
I think that really covers it… moving on.
All Star games are for chumps
The All Star game is a pretty archaic thing in sports. It was really a place for the league to showcase its star players, ones who fans would not normally see because of limited media coverage outside of the local market. But in a day and age where a fan can should be able to cheaply purchase games online to watch, I can sit in my living room in Pullman, WA and watch the likes of Sidney Crosby and Joe Thornton any time I want. So in reality, the All Star game, in most sports, is kind of a joke.
Players aren't playing their hardest - in hockey its pretty much a no-contact game - and all the shenanigans get in the way of the game. All this means that the game itself, is not a real hockey game - so let's have some fun with it. How about putting a two-point line on the ice so any shots that are taken from beyond the arc that go in net count double? Hell, I'd probably watch if they played 20 minutes with two pucks on the ice. But if they came up with some interesting ideas just to make the All Star game more like a video game, maybe they could sucker a few people to sit down and watch a little.
Stop catering to the non-fan
It's a really strange decision, that obviously someone in the NHL made years back, that it was okay to screw with the game in its current form in order to attract new viewers. Every year rule changes are put into place that help to increase scoring. Only problem with that in my mind is that as hard as they work to "liven up" the game of hockey to get people excited about it, they pretty much lose one fan for every new one they get.
Also, I feel that people do like hockey, but I personally hate being treated like a hockey-moron each time I tune into a game and the announcers feel the need to explain a line change. Something that I believe the league encourages to attract new fans who don't understand the rules.
I really don’t remember tuning into a football game where they explained the five yard contact rule. Start acting like a legitimate sport and not a degenerate whore who needs fans like Whitney needs crack, and maybe people will start seeing hockey as a legit sport on the map. Not only that, but I feel that the league would be better off trying to get the casual hockey fans - the ones who already like hockey but could watch more, buy more merch., etc. - into the die hard fans. It's easier and cheaper than getting an entirely new fan base.
Euro sized ice
There is one rule I'd like to see changed though, and I'd like to see Eruo sized rinks. Not because I want it to open it up for more scoring, but I feel that the larger rinks tend to give way to a faster game. Many times our North American version of hockey looks like little kid soccer with everyone bunched around the puck. Bigger ice might just help the game flow better, and also encourage teams to ditch the "dump and chase" tactic that really can bog down the pace of a game.
Expansion
Okay, so here's the idea that would get me dragged out of my first NHL board meeting kicking and screaming. Expand.
No, don't expand the NHL. If I wanted more crap I'd eat more fiber. Expand pro hockey in North America. Alternate football leagues have been kicked around every 2-3 years with one major problem: the NFL works and makes billions. People see those billions and want a piece. But with the NFL and NCAA, the football market is pretty much all tapped out. If we wanted more football then the Arena leagues, the CFL and NFL Europe would be big time - but they're not.
Nope, if you want to create a competing league, it might be a good idea to compete with a league that is really only good at telling you the best way at getting your head completely and totally up your own ass. If Mark Cuban and company want to start something successful, here's the perfect opportunity.
With the new salary cap in place, players may be able to be wooed over to this new league with money that the NHL can't offer. All they need is a dozen teams to start, put out a challenge to the NHL for a winner take all championship and watch how the cards play. No, the league may not ultimately be successful, but what better way to wake up the NHL than to threaten to put them out of business?
Exploit the fantasy market
Right now MLB is trying to own fantasy baseball… that's not exactly what I mean when I say to exploit the fantasy market. I suppose the correct wording would be for the NHL to "embrace" the fantasy market.
Baseball is baseball, but fantasy baseball certainly helps turn the casual fan into a die hard baseball nerd who digests stats for breakfast and keeps a watchful eye on the sport. Hell, I honestly wonder how many fantasy baseball fans out there buy the MLB Extra Innings package or the MLB.tv package so they can watch their fantasy players live?
Well, fantasy hockey is very similar to fantasy baseball in that it is a daily sport which requires managers to know who is playing when, what line they will be playing on, and what goalie is getting the start. It really wouldn't hurt the NHL to dive right in and not only allow fantasy games to happen, but to do whatever they can to help ESPN.com, Yahoo! Et. Al. give fans the best fantasy hockey experience. Perhaps it is just me, but I see this area as one to embrace to help turn the casual fan into a die hard fan, and get people a little more interested in hockey.
Conclusion
So as you can see, I am legitimately crazy... crazy like a fox! Hockey is a great sport; this of course coming from a former hockey player who ultimately chose football over hockey despite the fact that I probably had a brighter "career" in hockey.
But to sum it up, there's really only two ways to fix the NHL: 1) hire a competent and creative commissioner who knows his stuff or 2) fix it with a hammer by bashing it into pieces and using the pieces on a newer, sexier league.
Got Something You Want to Run?
Friday, June 22, 2007
If I Ran Pro Hockey
Monday, June 11, 2007
The GM....If I Ran Barry Bonds
In sports, records are measurements of a player’s worth. A record could be something like Rickey Henderson’s 1406 stolen bases, or it could be like Anthony Young’s 27 consecutive losses by a pitcher. If you ask a baseball fan what record is the most revered and most storied, the response would most likely be the 755 homeruns hit by Henry “Hank” Aaron. Mr. Aaron hit 41 more round trippers than Babe Ruth, a legend in his own right. This year, a whole world could see the legendary number of 755 fall. Barry Bonds has put on a homerun hitting show throughout his career. He started off with 16 in his rookie season and he hasn’t quit yet. He started today off with 746 and I just saw that he hit 747, only nine away from owning this legendary record. He owns seven MVP awards and eight Gold Glove awards, along with a various amount of other awards and decorations.
With all of these accomplishments, Bonds is probably THE most vilified player ever. Why? A lot of it has to do with the whole steroids scandal. Did he or didn’t he take them? Was he taking other substances? Would it really matter? These are all questions that are brought up when I think of Barry Bonds, the baseball player. But, I do not think that this is the only reason why Barry Bonds is hated on. I believe it has to do with the fact that he isn’t a likeable hero. Look at all the things that Babe Ruth did. He was a womanizer, a drunk, and was not always the nicest person to be around. However, he constantly did things to put himself in front of the public doing something positive. Mickey Mantle is another example. He was known to enjoy way too many alcoholic beverages and subsequently died because of liver failure after he had a transplant. Mickey Mantle was one of the most, if not the most, beloved New York Yankees of all time. Was it his award winning smile that made fans forget about his negative doings?
So, I am here today to tell you what I would do if I were in charge of Barry Bonds. Some are fun, some are real, and some are probably never going to happen. Whatever the record ends up at, Barry Bonds could go down as the most hated man in baseball….EVER.
1. Admit to using performance enhancing drugs: At this point in the game, it doesn’t matter whether he did or did not. Most of the nation believes he used some sort of performance enhancing drug. Why not just admit to it? That way, people can get used to the fact that this man isn’t hiding anything anymore. People don’t like to be lied to and this is a huge step towards polishing up his image. Will everyone forgive him? Probably not, but who is still holding a grudge against Jose Canseco (first 40/40 player ever) or Ken Caminiti (1996 NL MVP)?
2. Do something positive: I don’t know if Barry Bonds does any community work in the San Francisco area, but he needs to do something nationally that is positive to get in the good graces of the fans. It is a whole lot harder to hate someone when they are donating money to underprivileged youth scholarships or building playgrounds in under-funded areas. Look at what the United Way commercials have done for the NFL. Does the NFL really care? Who knows, but the perception is that they do. Barry Bonds meet United Way, United Way meet Barry Bonds.
3. Smile: For the love of God, this is the easiest thing to do. When Barry was a Pirate, he smiled like he just found two pieces of bubble gum in his pack of cards. Now, he walks around like someone pissed in his Cheerios. I know that he is been taken on a wild ride by the media and all that, but the saying “kill ‘em with kindness” should be applied here. Smile just to smile Barry. Maybe if you start fake smiling, a real one will come out and we might see a whole new enjoyable side to him. I can’t enjoy someone who looks like they are miserable every second of every game. It’s baseball, its fun! Who honestly did not enjoy it when Barry came out dressed as Paula Abdul when they did the American Idol spoof? I thought that was a great thing for his image. So, to help with this, I will hire Dave Henderson as Barry’s personal smile coach.
4. Ask to wear Hank Aaron’s number: When Barry gets to 754, he should ask Mr. Aaron to give him the honor of wearing his number until he ties and/or breaks the record. What could be more respectful or more honorable to the record itself? Does Barry have that in him to reach out and ask to do that? I don’t know. Does Mr. Aaron have that in him to reach and allow him to do that? I don’t know. But, I would be thrilled to death if this were to happen. I know it would also bring together the fans of baseball, the fans of the record, the fans of Aaron, and the fans of Bonds.
This is all I have for now, but it is a huge step in the right direction. Maybe he wants to go down in history as the most hated player ever, maybe he doesn’t. Time will tell as his career clock winds down. I know that I will be watching for the day that he breaks the record. Not because I’m a fan of Barry Bonds, but because I’m a fan of baseball and I’m sure I will only get to see this record broken once, maybe twice if I’m a lucky man. I just hope that the record will be held by a likeable hero.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
If I ran...the St. Louis Cardinals
An even 50 games into the season, the St. Louis Cardinals have an abysmal 21-29 record, and are tied for the fewest wins in the National League. Only Kansas City and Texas have fewer wins in MLB. Injuries have hit this team hard, as the disabled list is flush with important pieces of the squad. Starters Chris Carpenter (elbow) and Mark Mulder (shoulder), reliever Josh Kinney (shoulder), outfielder Preston Wilson (knee) and catcher Yadier Molina (wrist) are all on the DL with significant injuries.
The only respite for this team is the comforting fact they play in the horrendous N.L. Central. This team still has hopes for a playoff spot, but those hopes are fleeting and probably not realistic, though if last year's World Series taught me one lesson, it's that anything is possible.
That said, if I ran the Cardinals, I wouldn't completely give up hope for this year, but I would start to make changes, and plan for the future. Walt Jocketty has done a wonderful job during his tenure, but he struck out this offseason. Here's what I would do to right the ship.
-Recall Anthony Reyes from AAA
Anthony Reyes, the promising young pitcher who won Game 1 of the World Series last October, was recently optioned to AAA Memphis by the Cardinals. While his numbers leave much to be desired (0-8, 6.08 ERA), he is also the victim of extremely low run support, as the Cardinals averaged 2.11 runs per game during his starts. A look at his numbers compared to Adam Wainwright (4-4, 5.59 ERA), and you could make a reasonable argument that Reyes has been at least as good (and I use the word "good" very loosely) as him, if not a little better. Using the stats page from the outstanding baseball website The Hardball Times, let's look at some numbers from both pitchers.
ERA+
Wainwright: 74, Reyes: 68
WHIP
Wainwright: 1.79, Reyes: 1.35
Slugging% Against
Wainwright: .472, Reyes: .446
Strikeouts Per Game
Wainwright: 5.5, Reyes: 7.0
Strikeout to Walk Ratio
Wainwright: 1.65, Reyes: 2.17
Opponents Batting Average:
Wainwright: .335, Reyes: .259
Opponents On Base%:
Wainwright: .398, Reyes: .324
So, as you can see, other than run support, the numbers fall mostly with Anthony Reyes being the better pitcher. It's possible that the real reason Reyes is in the minors, and Wainwright and Kip Wells (2-9, 6.20 ERA) are still in the rotation is Reyes wants to do things differently than pitching coach Dave Duncan. In a live chat, Cardinals beat writer Joe Strauss had this to say about the situation:
Reyes and Duncan do have different philosophies. It is an uncomfortable truth that became more obvious when Duncan suggested last weekend that it would take more than 2-3 solid AAA outings for Reyes to return to St. Louis. Reyes is equally insistent that he will not alter his mechanics. His delivery does not work for a sinker-style pitcher. He's told the organization repeatedly he won't change. He needs to become a change of speed pitcher who can "spot" the ball, many believe. If the Cardinals believe Reyes needs to conform to a four-seam mentality, my guess is that both parties won't be satisfied unless there is a trade. Reyes was surprised by last Sunday's demotion and is reluctant to dicuss the situation.
This is nothing new to Cardinals fans. Duncan wants groundball pitchers, and he wants his staff to do things his way, or find somewhere else to pitch. People like Garrett Stephenson and Jason Marquis know this all too well. It's hard to argue the success Duncan has had in the major leagues, so Reyes may have to conform, or the Cards may have to show a willigness to see if Reyes' approach can work.
-Fast track Colby Rasmus :
Rasmus is the Cards number one prospect, and he has been tearing it up in AA this year, to the tune of .295/.385/.583, to go along with 10 homeruns and 8 stolen bases. He is the Cardinals centerfielder of the future, and with Jim Edmonds finally showing his age, it won't hurt to get Rasmus up to AAA some time this year, with an eye toward playing in the show by the middle of next summer. Farm director Jeff Luhnow has his eye on the kid:
"It's still a matter of doing it over a long season. Yes, Colby has had a fantastic first couple months in Double-A, but that's just what it is — a first couple months in Double-A. I don't know how patient we're going to be. I know we want to be, and it's still early."
-Spend some money this winter
The Cardinals went on the cheap last offseason, hoping Kip Wells and Adam Kennedy would be all they needed to replace departures such as Ronnie Belliard and Jeff Suppan. They were wrong. This winter, the market will once again be littered with players who are overpriced. Too bad. Every team has to pay to get premium players. The Cards routinely offer a little less than the other guy, hoping the draw of playing for a routinely competitive team and in a great baseball city will draw them in. It hasn't worked recently. Free agents will be expensive, but the Cards need arms and bats alike. Outfielders like Torii Hunter, Ichiro Suzuki and Aaron Rowand will be available, as will pitchers Mark Buerhle, Bartolo Colon, Scott Linebrink, Freddy Garcia and Carlos Zambrano. Fans in St. Louis will demand they make a hard run at some of the above names, after this lackluster offseason.
The Cardinals are in a deep hole right now. The team is not very good, their stars are getting old, injuries are mounting and fans remain restless. There is room for a little hope, though. The division is terrible, which means they can contend soon if they do a little tinkering. They still have Albert Pujols and once Chris Carpenter and Mark Mulder get healthy, the pitching should improve. Chalk 2007 up as one of those forgettable years and concentrate on the future.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Extrapolater: If I Ran... College Baseball
Hey, kids, it's good to be back.
My thoughts about College Baseball are kind of contradictory. I want it to be bigger, but growth of the game requires a certain amount of standardization, and that's conformity, and conformity is dull. But right now, more than half of the country is at a competitive disadvantage, and that restricts the popularity of the game. So here are a few general ideas:
1. Move the start of the season up one month. College baseball currently starts in February. As a result, it's no coincidence that the dominant powers in the NCAA are from warmer climates. The CWS has been won most often by USC (12), followed by Texas with half as many, then LSU and Arizona State sitting at five apiece. The occasional oddball school sneaks in, like Wichita State or Oregon State, but generally speaking, great players want to go to the sunny schools. Some of this might be offset if early season games in northerly climes could be played in March instead of February.
2. For comedy purposes, nothing can beat the PING! of a collegiate home run. But wooden bats are the standard in the pros, and that's where every young jock wants to end up. Why try to prepare with an aluminum bat, only to have to adjust your wood when you get to the show? Sorry, I meant to write adjust TO wood. My bad.
3. Introduce the Ladies... A kid who has the option to go pro will most likely do it. Even if he's in the minors, he's getting paid, sometimes handsomely. So what does college have over A-ball? Classy, intelligent, hot female fans. I've been to minor-league parks, and I've been to college parks, and there's no comparison. I'd rather pick my future SI Swimsuit issue posing companion from the college ranks than the cut-rate groupies that follow the Toledo Mudhens.
4. This is where it gets a little dicey for me. I don't think the Series should be in Omaha every year. I know I just finished saying that I want more northern participation in the series, but I can see no real reason to award the series to one town in perpetuity. I'd be OK with them getting a guaranteed bid every five years or so, but the rest of the time let's shake things up a bit. In fact, it would be nice to see the final games played in an MLB stadium every once in a while.
In addition, I've run across a couple of great ideas that specific schools have tried that are worth using everywhere:
Vanderbilt - Frank the Dancing Dog. I'm sorry, but I find this very funny. Dumb? Laws yes. But funny. Part of the charm of attending a Minor League tilt is the stupid promotions and on-field activities. You don't think drunken college kids would get into some of this interactive weirdness?
Florida State - The Bat Girls. Something in the back of my mind says this is probably sexist, and yet the young ladies who participate at FSU don't seem to mind. I attended the ACC championship in 2004, and I found them to be delightful. I mean, is there some reason your equipment managers can't be tan, toned, sweet-faced young ladies instead of someone like... me? I can't think of a reason.
San Diego State University - Bring back the alumni. Tony Gwynn currently coaches his alma mater in Tony Gwynn Stadium. Pretty sweet deal. Most ultra-rich athletes aren't going to be interested in doing something long-term like that, but it should be possible to get them to drop by once in a while, maybe sit in the broadcast booth or something. Keep that aura around the program, and make sure kids know that your team is a reasonable conduit to the majors.
That's the gist of it. I'm basically advocating more coeds, more famous people, and more wood. Hell, if we could get a special dispensation for even one beer per attendee, it would darn near be heaven.
The College World Series is beginning regional play on Friday, June 1. Check it out on ESPNU over the weekend, or, better yet, find out where your nearest regional is. In the meantime, read my two-part series detailing the #1 seeds.
And if you want to write something, even to refute me and my wisdom - do it! You don't even have to have your own blog - we just want to see you running the show your own way.
--Extra P.
Sooze: If I Ran...The Bassmasters Classic
a haiku.
I would make damn sure
all anglers are hammered
before lines are cast
fishing off a boat
without ice cold beer on hand
should be illegal.
MCBias: If I Ran…the National Spelling Bee
Wow, finally something in the sporting world that I’m sort of an expert at…and wouldn’t you know it, it’s not really a sport. Figures. Anyway, back in elementary, I was our school champion as a 4th and 5th grader (take that, 6th grade scum!) and represented us in the county spelling bee. I knew nothing about sports at the time, but learned about sports from sitting next to the eventual champion. He was a short blond-haired guy with funny teeth and was practically glowing with confidence and energy. It was the first time I saw what a difference confidence, charisma, the heart of a champion, and a million other clichés that only matter when seen in person can make. When it was over, he ran and hugged his dad, an older gentleman with a knee brace and crutch. Aww, he was a nice kid. And for the record, yes, I can tell you the word I missed both years: intercede (I was nervous and spelled it interceed) and esophagus (we learned that word in health two weeks later; wow was that painful).
Here’s what I would change:
Televise at least one minor-league event--a regional spelling bee. I know some of you are already mocking my elementary self for messing up those words. Why? Because regional spelling bees have easier words that some of us can actually spell. Thus you can judge me (haters!). The National Spelling Bee, on the other hand, is over our heads almost immediately.
Force all the spelling bee contestants to spend significant time together before the bee at various social events, and videotape the resulting cliques. You’re telling me ESPN 2 doesn’t have room this time of year?
Start off the bee with a quick exhibition: American-born spellers vs. foreign-born spellers. Don’t dodge the ethnic undertones, glorify them—and then laugh as America’s top three spellers are all non-Caucasians anyway. Each side votes for their best five spellers, and they only get 30 seconds to spell each word. Side that has the most spellers standing after 5 rounds wins, and sudden-death OT if it’s a tie. You tell me you wouldn’t enjoy seeing the slow-mo reply to see if that kid from India pronounced the last “s” before time expired? Plus, the kids not elected to the top 5 now get to simmer in their rivalry juices. And let’s get a big clock in front of the kids, ticking off the seconds.
Push the rivalry angle. Unlike team sports, there are no school rivalries here. Any competition is based entirely on the people themselves. And trust me, there is no competitive fervor like that produced by two nerds competing against each other at perhaps the only thing they do well (oops, projecting again :-p) at an age where they really believe there is no tomorrow or next week. And you thought college and high school produced “pure” competition.
So if two guys have been here for the last 3 years and are both competing against each other to see who can do the best in their last year, let’s hear that. I’m not saying let some 12-year-old embarrass himself by using racial epithets against his rival on live TV! Protect the kids, by all means, and get taped responses to the spicier stuff. But let’s get some fun behind the scenes byplay on this. Interview some of the kids before together as a documentary, and ask them who they want to beat, why they think they’re going to win, who they think might win, etc. Then show the results to the crowd at the proper moment during the competition.
Don’t hide from the weirdness. Again, no coaches, so a kid is a spelling bee champ because he/she is naturally talented and works really hard (that or their parents chain them to a desk). That means you get some really unusual and precocious youngsters. Let us see that; just cut out the worst parts and don’t interview those parents. That’s who the real crazies are in this type of competition, heh.
No Mike and Mike announcing the bee. The reason the spelling bee works is because it’s such a throw-back to days of pure competition and apple pie. Don’t throw in any pros; just use commentators and sideline reporters no one has ever heard of. Helps us get in the mood more.
Talk to the old pros. Look, there’s a huge network of ex-spellers helping at the Bee (http://www.spellingbee.com/officials.asp, scroll down), and, believe it or not, they all look like relatively normal students. All my joking about nerds aside, most of the spellers grow up to make a real contribution to society. (Sorry that I was an exception, mom and dad. :-p). Show the folks back home that just because she has acne, glasses, and braces now doesn’t mean that she won’t grow up to be an attractive, intelligent young lady someday. We need all the geniuses we can get. Look, they’ve already given us the cup holder built into a computer…oh wait, that’s not a cup holder? My bad.
Any other ideas?
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
The Serious Tip: If I Ran...NASCAR
This post is courtesy of Jordi Scrubbings at The Serious Tip about running NASCAR
Admittedly, I am not a NASCAR fan. I figured I would caveat this post by saying you won’t be reading about restrictor plates, drafting, gear ratios or any other technical racing jargon. That said, I do have friends and family who are passionate about the sport. (Note: please refrain from comments on whether NASCAR is a sport or not. For the sake of this post, it is.) I just can’t get into NASCAR. So here are a few things I would do to make NASCAR more enjoyable for me. Here is what I would do If I Ran NASCAR:
Midget Pit Crews – Because everything is funnier when done by groups of little people, I would first mandate at least one driving team feature a pit crew of entirely midgets, dwarves, or any other medical classification of the vertical challenged. Remember how funny it was to watch the oompa-lumpas manage Wonka land? Now imagine a team of little people turning power wrenches, changing tires, and performing other pit duties. Included with this “little person” team is the absolute necessity that they use a trampoline to “hop” the wall separating the track from the crew area.
Weekly Eliminations – NASCAR is perhaps the only major sport in which the worst competitor is allowed to participate in every event from the beginning of the season to the end. The worst pro sports team doesn’t stick around through the championship in any other type of season. Therefore, I propose the gradual elimination of the team with the least amount of points starting after the midway point of the season. After the midway point, if you are last in points, you go home. Simple as that. Not only would this provide weekly drama at the bottom of the standings, it would also open up racing on the proceeding tracks as non-contenders will no longer be cluttering the raceway.
Rename the Award for Best Driver – Despite NASCAR’s best efforts to “flashback” to days of Richard Petty and other legends, the racing community is neglecting a far earlier chapter of its competitive roots. Not longer. As chancellor of NASCAR, my third decree would be to name the award for best driver the Diocles Award, named after famed Roman Charioteer Gaius Appuleius Diocles. Diocles, perhaps the greatest charioteer in Roman history, won 1,462 of the 4,257 four-horse races in which he competed. Top that, Richard Petty.
Hire the Micro Machine Man as The Voice of NASCAR – Remember the Micro Machines? Remember their commercials? If so, then you remember John Moschitta, the Voice of the Micro Machines. According to Wikipedia, Moschitta is considered one of the fastest talkers in human history. Who better to represent one of the fastest sports in America?
Finally, Hybrid cars – Again, another admittance: I am kinda environmentally friendly. Not an ELF member by any means, but I am a strong proponent in saving the environment, recycling and the like. Therefore, decree number four would be a gradual increase in hybrid technology in NASCAR. My own personal estimate is that NASCAR races use a lot of fuel. Then why not employ hybrid technology and electric powered engines in road-like racetracks? I would understand if the technology lacks the power needed to maintain speeds needed in tracks like Daytona, but some of the road courses have far less speeds and could possibly be grounds for hybrid racing. And, as an additional spill-over effect, hybrid cars could receive a bump in prestige. After watching Tony Stewart or Jeff Gordon ride someone in a wall in his bad-ass hybrid, the stereotypical NASCAR fan may not think of hybrids as cars only driven by tree-hugging, commie, city-dwellin’ liberals.
Of course, these wouldn’t be all of my changes to NASCAR. In time, I would adapt and attempt to make NASCAR more and more lucrative. Perhaps even try my hand at expanding NASCAR’s demographic. Think a car sponsored by Snoop Dogg sitting on 24s with rims that don’t spin would do the trick?
Monday, May 28, 2007
If I Ran...NCAA Lacrosse
If I were Pacman Jones, this would be my letter of apology.
Hi, my name is Pacman Jones, and I would like to apologize right now to all my fans for being an ignorant thug with lot's of talent but no head on my shoulders. I realize that my ignorant ass behavior helped to perpetuate the stereo type of the thuggish uneducated black athlete.
I realize that my behavior was abhorrent, what was I thinking trowing around over $8,000 in cash at a strip club, an act that cost a fellow human being the opportunity to ever walk again.All my run ins with the law, where as a result of my own selfish and boorish behavior, and not "the man" trying to get me.I realize that I have tremendous talents on the football field, but those talents should be carried over to the game of life as well. I realize that I need to get my act together, and start acting like a grown up and someone who has been blessed to make millions of dollars by playing the game that I love. I realize that I am a role model for many young people out there who might be growing up poor and disenfranchised just like I was.
I will serve my one year suspension with dignity, and will do community service with various organizations and community groups that cater to children.
Sincerely, Pacman Jones.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
MCBias: If I Ran...the WNBA
Sorry for the big gap between posts, but here's MCBias talking about if he ran the WNBA:
So how can the WNBA be fixed to get higher ratings? Here's a few ideas as to what I would do If I Ran the WNBA:
1. Smaller Balls, Lower Rims
The average woman is shorter than the average man, and has smaller hands. It's not cheating to lower the rims and make the balls smaller; it's common sense. 9' foot rims, for sure. Some guys might complain, but hey, those guys aren’t watching anyway.
2. Emphasize the Grace and Agility of the Game
I have played against some decent female players, and their footwork was much better than mine. They also are much better at running plays or drills. Yet I usually outperformed them, because I was a little taller and could outmuscle/outjump them. There must be a way to adjust the rules of basketball to emphasize what females can do well. I see an example of this in women's volleyball; I could never match the smooth dive of a libero to dig the ball, or the artful placement of a setter in disguising the target of a set. Or think of women's tennis, where the volleying can be much more interesting than in men's tennis.
3. No Physical Contact, No Over and Back
The women's game can become really slow with the longer shot clock. Speed it up by calling all contact outside the key a foul. And allow cherry-picking (that's what I mean by over and back). Hey, if they want, play some Iowa girls ball; leave a player on D or O all the time. Get some movement in the game, and make it fundamentally different from the men's game. Why should I watch if it's the same product?
4. No Standard Uniforms
Pick two dominant colors and let the women come up with whatever uniform they want, within certain guidelines. If they want to wear Allen Iverson arm socks even if they have no injury, or want to dye their hair blonde to match the yellow uniform, encourage such innovations. We're not looking for wardrobe malfunctions here, but yes, this would also make the game more attractive to guys. Loosen the guy sports concept that a team dresses all the same as if they were an army. Let them accessorize and mix and match and design their own uniforms. And it gives the females a reason to watch too; fashion AND sports. Ooh, it hurts to be this brilliant; just sprained my wrist patting myself on the back.
5. Let the Players be Personalities
I admit, it's hard to do this with no one watching to start with. But the WNBA needs to use Youtube or something to put out some videos of the players being people. I almost feel like women's sports is where black athletes were 40-50 years ago; allowed to play, but not yet really allowed to talk. It's ok if we find out that not every female athlete is constantly thinking about the legacy she'll leave young female athletes. Let them be themselves. I did get to talk to a WNBA player once, and she was great; funny, smart, friendly yet she knew who she was, etc.
The main point is, I'm not ready to call the WNBA a failure yet. I don't think everything has been tried. Women’s basketball is rather popular in countries like Brazil, Russia, and Greece, where they appreciate some fire and aggression in their women. I think the US is slowly moving in the same direction (see: superhero movies starring females such as Kill Bill), and thus WNBA appreciation may yet increase.
thank you MC and lets keep the posts coming
